Abridged: The Seven Deadly Schmucks!
by LightTheFlame
Summary: Based on the YouTube series. Thought about cooking up a little something for the real characters while dying from laughter. T.


**A one-shot when I discovered the abridged version and died. Writing this as a ghost.**

 **Minor fluff though, and just for fun. If you were expecting major MelBeth canons, I suggest staying here anyway.**

 **Oh, before this: best check out the abridged version, episode 1 first. If not, well, SPOILER ALERT(S).**

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Hawk nibbled on his front hooves. Elizabeth had her fingers twisted in various knots. Meliodas merely raised an eyebrow.

 _"Just between you and me, Naruto would totally win in a fight against…"_

"Oh NO." Elizabeth let out a sigh. "Are we seriously on this again, Hawk?"

"Well." Began the pig, but was cut off by the bar owner. "What's this?"

"Hawk showed me this weeks ago." Elizabeth adjusted the laptop's lighting. "Apparently we have an abridged version." Meliodas raised the other eyebrow in sync. "Abridged?"

"A shortened version of a book, movie, or series." Trust Elizabeth to be well-versed on the dictionary. His green-eyed gaze averted back onto the screen. "It's horrible, you don't want to watch it." Elizabeth mumbled, but Meliodas pressed the play button.

"Who the heck is Naruto?" he cocked his head to one side. "And oo, my accent is dope."

Elizabeth fell about with laughter. "I like the way he—um, you—says 'bastard'," she piqued, and did a killer impression of the abridged Meliodas. The real one laughed aloud at her antics and continued watching.

"Cocaine!" The trio laughed; Meliodas with deep chuckles, Elizabeth's light and pleasant, and Hawk's as if he were snorting. "Cut it out, I don't put cocaine in beer."

"Except maybe in Ban's," Elizabeth giggled as a pinkette man appeared on screen. "Who's that?"

"Seems to me from another planet," Meliodas mused. "Never seen him before—oh HAHA!"

 _"I said 'nanatsu' not 'Natsu' yo FUCK!"_

"Your eyes!" Tears were coming out of Elizabeth's own. "They just dilated!"

"I've only known when the Captain said the 'f' word once." Hawk said. The two turned to look at him.

"When?" Elizabeth asked as she clearly didn't know he had said—what the heck, yelled—the word out of frustration because of **her.**

"It wasn't important," Meliodas immediately became solemn, while Hawk squealed in his head, **liar!**

"It's not a shit fest of a show—did that guy just insult us?" Hawk returned to his usual whiny self while the two looked on. "Um…" Elizabeth stammered, not knowing how to answer, while Meliodas' mouth perked up at a corner. The abridged version of him asked for Elizabeth's name.

 _"My name's_ Elizabeth _!"_

"Lord Meliodas!" Elizabeth felt like smacking the captain and herself at the same time. How ridiculous she sounded, so ridiculous that he would end up on the floor rolling about in fits of laughter.

"Oh my goodness, Elizabeth," Catching his breath, the blonde man placed a sturdy hand on her shoulder. "Rest assured, just 'cause you sound like that in the video doesn't mean your voice isn't any better here."

His words gave her security. "Alright," she said, and settled back down to continue.

 _"It's kind of fucked up."_

"Your voice is bad too!" The bar owner turned to the talking pig, in which fumes were pouring out of his floppy ears. "I sound so much better in real life! Hmph!"

 _"Don't shit on the floor while you're here."_

Meliodas clutched his stomach while Elizabeth had wound her fingers into his shirt. "What is it?" He asked, trying not to cry.

"Hawk-chan's laugh is so creepy!" The pig cried indignantly, "That is so NOT my laugh!"

"What the heck is a reason gun…" Meliodas' hand flew to his chin. "And I never say 'lassie', no matter what."

"You're never this judgmental, Lord Meliodas," Elizabeth pointed out politely, "or you're either too polite to share your opinions."

Meliodas turned to her and grinned. "So you noticed?"

He turned from a blushing Elizabeth back to the screen. "That reaction to my food… 'I didn't say I didn't!'" He fell laughing again. Elizabeth pouted slightly.

"The food wasn't too bad," she explained, "and no, I did not poop my pants."

"We got a weird one here," Hawk pointed out the endless flaws in his abridged character while Meliodas looked deep in thought at this statement. " 'Weird one'… hmm."

"Now it's 'raisin gun'…" Elizabeth pointed in awe. "Look, it's Alioni-san!"

"You know him?" Elizabeth's cheeks were painted red when she saw him looking at her. "We met on the kingdom's foundation day. He apologized for trying to come after me."

For one weird moment it had sounded to him 'he apologized for trying to **chase** me' but as usual Meliodas mimed his poker face.

"My bar doesn't have cocaine!" He declared, which made Elizabeth giggle. "You sure about that, Captain?" She imitated Diane.

"You want to test that out, don't you? You can easily get high with booze, though…" and he leaned a little forward and squeezed her. A yelp escaped her mouth, but she also knew that whenever Meliodas was uncomfortable with his emotions he'd use her as a distraction. Yes, that much she knew. Though she'd never once pressed him on what he was thinking.

"No more bacon jokes!" Her train of thought was interrupted with Hawk's fed-up protests. "I'm Captain Leftovers, not Captain Roast Pork!"

"Yet," Meliodas muttered under his breath. Elizabeth held back her laughter out of politeness.

The trio was powerless with mirth when 'Hawk, Savior of the Universe' appeared.

"To be honest, I myself have no idea what she's saying," Elizabeth commented when her character was speaking about the reason she ran away.

"I could hear the first half," he didn't know if it would make her feel better, "the second half was something about your father having a slumber party with his friends."

 **(A/N: Yes, I actually listened through that to write this. Kudos to headphones.)**

"Do I really need an exorcism?" Elizabeth told herself worriedly, while Meliodas thought; **the one who needs an exorcism is me.**

"The cliffhanger joke is so bad!" she exclaimed aloud while tears spilled out of her eyes, while the bar owner sheepishly rubbed circles on her back.

"Well, it's a cliff," he muttered. "So all you need to do is build a bridge and **get over it...** you know, to the other side of the cliff."

He wondered if she would take offense at the pun, but instead a feeble fist hit his arm. "You're just as bad." He grinned.

"You know Lord Meliodas; I would never use you as a shield!" She burst out on him suddenly; he lurched back.

"I never thought you would." Her shoulders relaxed and they both turned to the screen. "Though I do admit Twigo kind of ruined the moment."

"Moment?" Elizabeth asked, but then the sight of Twigo's attack made her stomach go all queasy once more.

"Did he just call me a girl?" Meliodas skillfully dodged her question, but did not notice her uneasiness. "Oh yeah, go abridged character!"

 _"Woah, language."_

 **"You're not my mum!"** The real one recited in a perfect accent, which made her stomach bug disappear and instead be filled with pains of laughter.

"You didn't make me a murderer, don't worry." He said quickly after he witnessed his character slide his sword back into its scabbard. Knowing how sensitive Elizabeth was, it was his duty to remind her of who she was. Then again, he wasn't bothered reassuring her here and there.

"Okay." Elizabeth's eyes widened. "Your face didn't look like that when we were talking. You were more… smiley."

"Editing, I suppose." Meliodas rested his chin on his fist propped up against his knee. "This little cunt here sure is fluent in sarcasm." He smirked and lunged for her chest again. "And no, you didn't need to tell me that you'd make a hot waitress—you could say I already knew."

"Lord Meliodas!" A red-faced Elizabeth immediately threw away her flustered expression when she heard the plates crashing and saw herself fall and Meliodas' expression. "Oh… sorry."

"That was long ago." He drawled out the 'long' like Ban. The mouse hovered over the thumbnail in the sidebar. "Next episode: you'll come with me, right?"

"Meliodas." She looked so done with him, but the smile on her face said otherwise.

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 **And that's that! If you want the next episode, review!**

This was also mixed in with my personal opinions as well as the character's expected reaction; sorry if it got out of character!

 **Bonus:**

Elizabeth started crying at Gilthunder's speech and Meliodas kept repeating gleefully to himself, "Seven Deadly Sins… the Sins, that are… deadly, and there are seven of them".

-Mint-chan.


End file.
